Tonight, I sit in my bed, crying. Alone.

Every once in awhile I’m thrown a curve ball, like tonight. And I’m reminded that even strong women are allowed to cry. Plus, I’m getting ready to start my period and we ALL know I’m extra emotional and sensitive right now.

I’ve been “talking” to this guy here in California for a few weeks, we have a lot in common and we really hit it off. I could tell pretty early that he started catching feelings, but I let him know I’m trying to move back to Missouri soon so proceed with caution. Of course, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I thought if we were both on the same page, we could have a fun little fling and not bring up the feelings talk.

Why he felt it was necessary two days before me leaving? I’m not sure. ESPECIALLY when he calls me out on having feelings then denies he has any himself.

But I’m not crying because of that. Sure, it was a punch in the stomach, but I’m so broken, a guy not having the guts to tell me he has feelings for me isn’t what hurts.

What hurts is everything that lead up to this.

The last year has been a whirlwind to crush my heart. At what point does this beating it’s getting stop? At what point will my heart give up?

I’m reminded on nights like tonight, it’s okay to cry. I’m reminded why it can be so hard to be a strong women, because I refuse to cry on anyone else’s shoulder. It’s that text to my best friend: “It’s not your fault, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. I always am”.

I’m always fine.

But I’m tired of being “fine”.

I want to feel amazing.

Why does it feel like I have to give up men to feel that? Aren’t we a species in which a partner is what we crave? So why are they the ones that make me feel this way?

Maybe I haven’t met the right one. But will I? Because at this point, I’m terrified to try. Even if I don’t go out of my way to meet a man, will I know when one falls into my lap? Because I’m giving up. This is me giving up on dating, on sex, on men. This is me saving my heart, and avoiding feelings.

I know I’m going about this all the wrong way, but at this point, what else am I supposed to do? Give out the last few pieces of my heart to men who have no intentions of keeping them?

My heart is broken. Not from this one guy. Not from the one before him. It’s broken from the many men who crave my heart to rip it out. Who want to take a piece as a trophy when they leave. And I’m tired of giving anyone that piece to take.

So here’s to being single, because it will take a miracle for any man to change that at this point.

 

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