I stare at the blank screen and wonder if I can even explain this, explain how I feel.

My heart hurts, a lot. Every day.

But hey, at least he finally agreed to be my friend right? (sarcastic laugh).

In reality, it’s hell.

I was with a man for SIX years and never felt this way. Ever.

And here I am, in love with a man I dated for mere months, in love with a man I chose to leave. I put MYSELF in this situation.

Is it because I was scared? Is it because I was actually that person I used to make fun of for falling in love so quick? Did I not believe it because how could I feel such a way about a person I barely knew?

But it’s real. This love, it’s real. And I know he feels it too.

This is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, I can feel it in every bone in my body. He is my soul mate. He is who I am supposed to be with.

And THAT makes me sound crazy, especially because I’m usually the logical one when it comes to relationships…

But this feeling makes everything I’ve every believed in a lie.

He’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing before I go to bed. He’s constantly in my dreams. I see him in the car next to me, or getting on the elevator. I daydream about what we could be. I think about our memories together every day. I hear him in every song. I feel him in every movie.

I don’t even want to think about another man. I can’t get intimate with anyone else.

And the thing that scares me the most? I don’t want to wait. I just have no other option.

My heart won’t let me move on.

It won’t let me even have the slightest interest in someone else.

Because it knows.

I’m in love with a man I can’t be with.

 

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