Sometimes you meet someone so special, that as hard as it is, something always brings you back to them. For me, this was my first love.

It all started a little over ten years ago at Alex’s sweet sixteen. I was so consumed with being an all-star cheerleader and some personal things going on at home, I found myself behind a lot of my friends when it came to guys, which didn’t bother me (considering my parents started me in school a year early so I was already younger than everyone else). He was the first guy to really make a move on me other than over Myspace, and my life was about to change forever.

What happened in the upcoming years was thousands of text messages, falling asleep every night on the phone, and the most deep conversations I’ve ever had with anyone.

The weird part? We NEVER hung out in person. He lived in the city next to me, and even though I knew a ton of people in his friend group for various reasons, we could just never meet up.

In the years after, we dated other people (sometimes I swore he chose girls I knew just to hurt me), but we always came back to texting each other.

It wasn’t until my senior year that we started to actually cross paths. It was drunken parties where I got too drunk and cried in the bathroom about him and him never coming to check on me, or him showing up to my sisters house party and me drunkenly climbing across the kitchen table to kiss him, or him finally picking me up and driving around hours in the neighborhoods discussing our secrets, only to act like we never saw each other the next day.

He turned into my go-to, the man I knew would never actually make it official with me, but would make me feel good every time I had a break up. But then the feelings would come back, and he would hurt me anyway. He left me wondering why I would never be good enough for him.

Maybe it was what I felt was fate that always brought us back together, like when I found an old conversation from before I met him with a mutual friend that asked if I had met him because he thought we would get along really well, or the time he went on a cruise and met my ex-boyfriend from college (keep in mind I’m from California and went to college in Missouri), or the time that I found out he grew up playing soccer with one of my best friends. Our world’s are always colliding, and our paths always crossing, but maybe I just need to give that up as a coincidence.

And so this year, after ten years, I told him how I felt. I told him I felt a chemistry with him that I hadn’t felt with anyone. That when I’m with him, all that matters is what is in that moment. And that something always brings me back to him.

You know how he reacted? He acted like he was going to do something about it, then he just ghosted. Different time, same story. He acts like I’m something special in his life, then he does nothing about it. And I deserve SO much better.

I’m not the insecure 14 year old he met ten years ago, I am an educated, independent woman that deserves better.

I’ll always have a special place for him, he is after all my first love. But I’m done running back to him, I’m done letting him control my emotions, I’m done letting him think I’ll always be there for him.

Besides, I have a third love, which I want to be my final, and he deserves to have all of me.