“There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.” -Zayn Malik

I know I’ve been bringing up turning 25 a lot in my posts, but it’s a big deal. Not because of the number, but because of what this year represents in my life. It’s a new beginning for me.

The last year has brought so many accomplishments and excitement in my life: I finished writing my thesis and was able to finish my Master’s, I made a big move back to California after over seven years, I played in Hawaii for a month where I learned to dive, I visited my little brother in Providence, Rhode Island (for the fourth time) and we got to explore Boston, I sold all of my belongings, I got to dive in Mexico, I found out I was going to be an Auntie (possibly the most exciting news!), and I decided to spend all my savings to travel Europe for four months. The last year has been a whirlwind.

I try not to focus on the negative in my life the last year, but although I had so much to live for, 24 was also quite possibly the darkest time in my life. Maybe it was the realization that the end of my six year relationship was upon me, and actually living through the slow death of it. Maybe it was the realization that I let something so special go to watch the death of this relationship happen. I like to think it was more the fact that Silas low key is my therapy dog and being away from him for four months was harder than I imagined. Whatever the cause of my depression, I had never felt this way before: not struggling through college, not fighting my way through grad school, not one breakup, or bad job. But I’m ready to fight through this.

In turning 25 I’ve realized the most important thing: it’s okay to need your Mama. It’s okay to run back home in the arms of your biggest cheerleader when you need her most, even when you’re an adult. Even when people are telling you that you should moving out, not in. Even when you’re told you’re too old. (P.S. You’re never too old for her).

Everyday is still a struggle. It’s not so hard to get out of bed anymore, but I’m still searching for what I need. What I want in life.

For now I’ll start with some goals: get a job to pay off student loans, build up some savings again, work on my credit score (get another credit card, buy a car), and depend on my Mama a little longer. I won’t rush into another relationship, I won’t rush through life, and I won’t become someone I don’t recognize in the mirror again.

Turning 25 is a new page in the book for me because I’m focusing on myself, learning to love myself, and finding my happiness. I’m going to stop living for others, and start living for myself (and Silas).