Background story: My ex-boyfriend and I were dating on and off for almost six years before we made the final quits. It was a first love situation that should have never gone on as long as it did, for the sanity of both of us. We were holding onto nothing. I may touch on this more in the future, but I am long over the relationship. Unfortunately, I allowed this man to manipulate me and my feelings for too many years. Last summer (2015) he broke up with me. During the time we broke up, I met another man whom I had so much chemistry with, it felt as if he was everything I read about in a fairy tale. However, when my ex decided he had enough of a break, he was able to convince me that this other guy was a rebound, made me feel like everything I felt was made up, and was able to convince me trying us again was a good idea. Let me tell you, I don’t give up on anything, and after being together for 5 years, he had enough of a hold on me to make me think he was a good idea again.
I’m an adult, and I’ll take full responsibility for my decision in the end, but boy was I wrong.
Never in a million years did I think a man I met right after a long relationship would affect me in a way that this guy did. He was the kind of man you dream about. The one that only sees you in the room. The one that likes to show you off. The one that you can stay up all night talking to without running out of things to say. The one that perfectly compliments you. The one that gives you butterflies every time you see them. And it was a feeling I will search for again for the rest of my life.
I could go on for hours about how perfect this man was, but I think you get the point.
Unfortunately, I left him. I left him because I had too much pride to give up on something I had more history with. And I may regret it for the rest of my life.
Now: I knew almost immediately once I got back with my ex that it wasn’t right, but I was stubborn and prideful. We started planning the next step together, even though it didn’t feel right. And then we planned a trip to Europe for four months. During this time, ten months passed by, and I was stuck. I never texted the “other guy” because talking to another man while in a relationship just didn’t feel right. Our trip was amazing and life changing, but our relationship obviously wasn’t going to work.
When we got back, we both went our separate ways, which was for the best. It didn’t take me long to text the man I had been thinking about for the last ten months. I hoped for the best and planned for the worst, and unfortunately, I got the worst. I know it’s my fault for being too immature to see what I had when I had it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
And so, to the man I was too immature to keep: I’m sorry. I know you’ve heard these words from me many times already, but I truly mean it. What we had was made for fairy tales, and I’m sorry I was too scared to tell you that when we were together.
I’m sorry I had my guard up with you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t follow my heart when it meant the most.
I’m sorry I let someone else convince me you weren’t right for me.
I’m sorry I led you on.
I’m sorry I hurt you.
You taught me so many valuable lessons in the short time we spent together. You taught me I can totally be myself with someone. You taught me I could be the most beautiful girl to someone other than my daddy, even when I was broken. You taught me how I should be treated. And for that I am forever grateful. The day I walked away from you is the day I may regret for a long time, but I was too immature to have you at that point in my life. I wasn’t ready for what you brought to the table. All I can do is be thankful for what we had, and hope I can find it again.
Because I know I’ll be mature enough to keep it this time.