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Refinding the Pieces

Commitment Problems

I love to work. Love it. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been ingrained in me since a young age to have a good work ethic, or if it’s just my Scorpio personality (YES-I believe in my zodiac), but I’m much happier when I have a job. Or two. Or three. Whatever works.

The weird thing is, money doesn’t have much value to me. What is important to me is the experiences I have and the family I have by my side, money is simply my means to keep me alive.

However, I’m in quite the pickle right now for a couple reasons. For one, I terribly planned my trip to Europe and now I’m back in the States only weeks before the Holiday’s kick in. If I want any sort of life with my family (which as I said before, trumps everything), I can’t really get a job or I would be slaving away in the world of retail or restaurant with all the crappy hours a new employee gets. Luckily for me, my parents are a God send and are more than generous enough to take Silas and I in for these few weeks so I can enjoy one last Christmas before checking myself into the working class.

My second problem is I find myself absolutely terrified. Here I am, 25 years old, with a Bachelors AND a Master’s degree, and yet I can’t even begin to fathom committing myself to a real life job. It’s like I have commitment issues, but  for jobs. Here is a real life tweet I sent today:

2016-11-08-11-32-54

It’s a for real problem of mine, and I’m not sure how to get out of this mind set. Luckily, I can put this off for a few more weeks until I need to decide a life plan, but for now, I’ll keep avoiding the subject with my parents.

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Finding Peace

One may ask “why St. Louis?”….out of ALL the young professional cities, why the middle of Missouri? And so here’s to you guys:

I’m 25 years old. I’ve finished Graduate School. I’ve traveled the World. And now? Now I’m supporting myself. In my own house. Two bedrooms, fenced in backyard. I’m on the road to owning it. I’m on the road to buying a new car. I’m on the road to paying off my student loans. And guess what? I still have enough to save AND vacation!

All on my own!

The kicker? I’m literally in the MIDDLE of the city.

This city has everything every other city has: daily activities, a top rated botanical garden, the #1 FREE zoo in the country, well known attractions (uh hello Arch), an awesome Baseball team with a beautiful stadium, TONS of Farmer’s Markets, TRADER JOE’S (shall I say more?), great bars, a foodie town, salsa dancing, a beautiful theater, great concert venues….this list can go on forever. Why does it have a bad reputation? Because it’s not by the ocean?

I am so at peace here. I feel it in every bone in my body. It takes more than just being able to support yourself to find peace, but the fact that I don’t have to stress about supporting myself makes finding peace that much easier.

As I sit here, alone, on a Friday night, with a glass of wine, dancing to Chris Stapleton on the record player with my Silas Monster next to me, I am so happy. I am so at peace.

 

To my immature family member…

I’ll start this by putting it out there that my little brother has recently come out as gay to the extended family (obviously I’ve known since he was a small child). These family members did not take it well, during a time when he is facing the world, its my responsibility as his sister to love him unconditionally, support him through anything that may be thrown his way, and as a Christian, not judge (many Christians forget this!! I’ll touch more on this in another article). That should be the role of any family member. Unfortunately, as a lot of the gay community finds, selfish persons will take this as a personal attack on them. 

And so to my immature family member:

My brother is NOT attacking you, he is simply going through a time in the world in which being a young gay man is scary. Forgive him for being on the defenses. Forgive him for not understanding that your conservative posts on Facebook don’t attack him being gay. Forgive him for not understanding that you’re so open to the gay community because YOU HAVE TWO GAY BEST FRIENDS.

What you don’t understand is that you DON’T support the gay community. Your “openness to it” didn’t prevent you from voting for Trump. Your “support” didn’t prevent you from allowing a man who has a personal vendetta against the gay community from coming into power. Just because you have a few gay friends doesn’t mean you support the gay community. You don’t. Because if you did, their rights, their safety, would have come into mind when putting that ballot it. When posting public opinions on your chosen candidate. 

I’m sorry he can’t see past this.

But I can’t either. 

Eventually, he will move on and and sweep it under the rug. Besides, as a gay man he will unfortunately be facing this the rest of his life. But by you personally attacking him for something he did not choose, at a VERY sensitive time in his life….that will stick with him forever.

My little brother being gay was NEVER about you. You butted into something that was never your business. You have deleted my personal family off of Facebook. You have lost all respect from us.

And so I pray for you. I pray for you to find peace. In my young years, I have learned that you worry about your own life and only your life. You do not butt into places you don’t belong. You support those close to you, and always put yourself in their shoes. You think before you speak. And you earn respect, you don’t just get it. I pray for you to not be so selfish, and I pray that you NEVER have to be in a situation like what you put my little brother in last weekend.

My little brother is strong, but that attack would make anyone cry. So please, take your own miserable life somewhere else and leave him alone.

And to my brother:

You are a shining star. You are so much more than “gay”. You are intelligent, you are a beautiful artist, you’re a positive spirit, and a kind heart. If people can’t see that, if they can’t support you for who you are, then you dont need them.

I will ALWAYS be there for you, and at the end of the day, love trumps all. 

Being broken…

I want to apologize to everyone that I’ve been slacking, I got a job! My pup and I packed up my things and we’re officially Missouri residents! But that’s not what brings me here, what brings me here is dating again.

I recently started dating a new guy and I’ve been so resistant to allowing him to get serious with me. I’m so comfortable with him, but there’s something there that I can’t let go. 

This weekend, he’s supposed to come see me (We live an hour and a half from eachother). He said he had to work late tonight, and that he would come tomorrow. Then tonight comes and he’s with friends all night and not texting me back.

The old me wouldn’t care, I’m not his girlfriend. He should go have fun with his friends.

But that’s not me anymore.

This me that lays here at 1AM, crying. The girl that takes it as “I’m not important enough to want to spend the whole weekend with,” that’s me. I’m broken.

Years of feeling unappreciated. Years of being taken for granted. Years of manipulation. Years of emotional, mental, verbal, and physical abuse. This is me now. 

And I hate it.

But I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s been six months since I was able to break my self of my ex boyfriend, and it kills me he did this to me. I don’t want to feel this way. But I do. And I don’t know if I’m ever not going to.

I feel like a young, immature, clingy, insecure girl. But I’m so much more than that.

One day I’ll find a man that understands this. That is willing to love me for who I’ve become, and for my past. And take care of my soul on nights like tonight when I feel extra broken, unappreciated, and unloved. 

But first, I need to be strong enough to understand I deserve a man like that. 

Kegel beads.

Alright guys, let’s get real for a minute. We’ve all heard about kegels, those little exercises we do to strengthen our vaginal muscles.

You know, the ones you squeeze mid stream of a pee and make it stop. Or better yet, in the middle of sex to freak your man out (the secretly like it, don’t let them tell you any different).

Well, there’s “toys” that can help you strengthen that muscle. All kinds of different options. Mostly made for new mothers who have lost some of that muscle after birth, but anyone can try them!

I’m naturally pretty tight (thanks genes) but I was interested. And so, I amazoned some simple ones, archived the order so no one would see, and waited for delivery.

These things are WEIRD. Obviously, treat them like your favorite sex toy and keep them clean, but you can leave them in FOREVER and it just stimulates those little muscles and builds them up without you even TRYING (why can’t actual working out be this easy?). 

If you’re feeling really motivated, you can do kegel exercises WITH these in.

Let me tell you, I read a LOT about these. You can buy balls on a string (what I bought), you can buy weights on a string, you can buy metal balls that you put in there (with or without weights). I hear the weighted ones are the best but I’m not quite ready for that, the simple silicone ones are an experience in itself. 

Here’s the ones I bought:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01FU9CKBM/ref=sr_ph_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1490586605&sr=sr-1&keywords=kegel+beads+for+woman
AND THEY WORK. Now I’ve only been intimate with one man in the last {year and a half} but I SWEAR I noticed a difference.

Have you tried them? Let me know your experience! Or just join me on the beginners route and let me know what you think 😊

The older I get…

There’s this phenomenon that has been occurring the older I get (keep in mind I’m still on 25) and I’m curious as to if ANYONE else is having this happen to them.

When I was younger, I never had issues finding men to be interested in me. Usually, I was the one breaking hearts. I could go out on a Friday and have 5 guys hooked by Monday, no problem.

Now, that’s impossible! It’s not that I’ve gotten any pickier. It’s not that I’ve gotten more prude (believe me I’ve never been one to get intimate with someone quick). And I don’t think I’m any less beautiful, probably more! 

Here’s what is different:

I’m stronger, I’m more independent, I’m okay with being alone, I drink (way) less, I party less, I dress more conservative, I have higher education (a Master’s), I am well traveled and cultured, I support myself, I have the potential to soon have a great job.

Do men look for women they can “fix”? Or women they can support and take care of? Obviously I’m not either of those things, so that would explain it.

I see girls who are uneducated, still insecure, some have goals to be a trophy wife, some don’t even work…and they get men right and left. They’re not always great men, but when did those qualities become what a man wants? 

Maybe I’ll be single forever. I will NEVER “dumb” myself down to find someone. BUT if I do get married, it will be with a man who is my equal. A man who applauds me for my accomplishments, not one that is intimidated. A man that is secure enough to push me to be more successful, not bring me down. 

My question is: are my observations correct? Are other women (or men) seeing this happen??

Clear Skin Update!

Hey guys! Sorry posts have been sporadic, but I’ve been heavy duty on the job search.

I wanted to update everyone on my skin regiment real quick:

So far, the only thing I’ve CHANGED is I stopped using the aveeno positively radiant moisturizer in the morning, and instead replaced it with Trader Joe’s Nourish spf facial lotion:

It still has the SPF (which is necessary) but I notice my natural oils are regulating and my face feels SO SOFT. Trader Joe’s products are seriously my new BFF.

I added an antioxidant serum in the morning, after my toner and before my moisturizer. I’m using Trader Joe’s antioxidant serum, but after some research, the Vitamin C is most likely inactive PLUS for aging skin you want one with hyaluronic acid, so I’ll update on that. Let me know if you have any good, natural products that work for you!

Lastly, I added an eye cream! So important because the skin there is so thin and I’m sure years of Proactive didn’t help! But I’m using LilyAna naturals Eye Cream. They had AMAZING reviews and are all natural. I’ve been using it a couple weeks and am IN LOVE (I think their companies Vitamin C serum is my next purchase).

I’ve been using all these products in conjunction with my original routine, and my skin is still totally clear. It’s also EXTREMELY soft and is starting to look way more even. The texture has definitely evened out. Also, I notice when I start to get a pimple, I don’t have to put ANYTHING on it and it’s pretty much GONE the next day.

FINALLY SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY WORKS.

If you guys have any questions or recommendations, let me know! 

To my ex’s sister:

I saw you this weekend, and our visit was short lived because the first words out of your mouth were about my ex-boyfriend. I don’t blame you, he is after all your brother, but it was overwhelming for me. I’ve carried a relationship with you and your siblings for six years, I have watched two of you grow up into amazing, bright, successful young people. My love for you is endless, even though your brother and I couldn’t work it out. And so, I want to explain myself.

I’m not sure I’ll ever share this with you, I would NEVER want you to be in the middle of this. It’s been six months since the break up, and it has mostly blown over. But if you do take a side, I wish it would be your brothers, because I know you have a deep level of love and respect for eachother.

I know I came into your life as a strong role model, and I want you to know I will always continue to be that. But there’s two sides to every story.

The truth is, your brother and I fell out of love a long time ago. What I was holding onto was my care for him. Since you know me, you know I have a caring soul, I fight for the people I love. And even though I wasn’t in love with Ryan, I had love for him. I wanted to see him succeed. I wanted to push him to be a better person. Unfortunately, he was fighting demons none of us will ever understand. I was NEVER going to be good enough for him. He is searching for something in this world, and I was not it. As much as I fought to be it, I really did, it was never enough.

You see, he tried to make me a worse person to justify his actions. He made it seem like I wasn’t loyal to him. That I depended on him too much. But the truth is, he depended on me. I gave him everything I could: money when he needed it, anything his heart desired, I cooked for him, cleaned for him, and gave him endless amounts of attention. I made life decisions to adapt to his plans, like where I would live, and spending every last penny I had to backpack Europe. And damn was I loyal. So loyal. So I dated people every time HE broke up with me? The minute we got back together, those men were deleted from every social media account and my phone. I never FATHOMED cheating on him. Ever. I was a loyal, kind, caring girlfriend. But I wasn’t good enough.

He tore me down. He dulled my shine. He put my dreams on the backburner. He made me feel insecure, and never good enough. He made me feel inferior so he could feel better about himself.

Honey, we had to break up. I needed to realize how great I really was. I will always have a place for him in my heart, but I deserved so much more. I deserve a man who protects my heart, who lifts me up, who supports me and my dreams, and who loves me unconditionally. Your brother was not that. 

We weren’t meant to be. 

I thought Europe would be amazing for our relationship, I thought it would bring us together. I allowed your brother to leave his whole life to do the trip in hopes that I could make him happy with this trip. But it wasn’t good enough. Nothing I ever did was for him. And now I’m to blame for the fact he doesn’t have his most prized possessions: his truck, his bike, his four-wheeler, and his guns. The truth is, I never wanted him to move those things. The plan was to leave them with your family, but at the last minute, he insisted they come, inconvenienced my family, and now I’m stuck with them. I don’t want those things just as much as he wants them. I want to move on with my life. But he feels I’m financially responsible even though I don’t have the money  (because I spent it all on the trip) or the means to get it back to him. It’s not my fault. I still feel terrible he won’t have his bike to ride in the nice upcoming weather, but the situation is out of my hands.

The break up in Europe wasn’t just my fault either. It always takes two, and I appreciate the fact you’re willing to listen to my side. When we planned the trip, I was 100% invested in making a life with your brother, and he knew that. I’m not saying I treated your brother perfect all the time, but he used the fact that he gave up “his whole life” to do this trip and make it work with me, to hold it over my head. As if I was forced to stay with him now. And things got bad. We fought, a lot. And I won’t go into details, but your brother showed a whole other side of himself. An aggressive side. And it terrified me. I was, and still am, afraid of him.

You can’t be with a man you’re afraid of.

I respect your brother, and always will. I spent six years of my life with him. He fought a war and saw things I can’t even fathom. He was neglected by his father and never truly accepted by his second. He has been through a lot, and yet he has still succeeded in so much more. But he continues to search for something, and I can’t help him do that anymore.

I can’t put my life on hold, let him treat me badly, and use all my energy in helping him find happiness. Especially when mine doesn’t matter to him.

I need to be happy for once.

I need to take care of myself.

I need to find the independent, strong, and happy woman you first met, before your brother tore her down. 

I wish the best to your brother, I really do. I hope he finds what he is looking for in life.

But it’s time I shine again. 

Surrounding Yourself with Good Vibes

If you knew me personally, you would know how I feel about vibes. VERY STRONGLY. If someone gives off bad vibes, I’m out. 

But I’m not just talking about a person’s vibes, you also get vibes from things you surround yourself with.

I like to have Himalayan Salt Lamps (my cat, Harley, also loves them), I like crystals, and diffusers for my essential oils, and BOOKS. Stacks of books. These things are good vibe items to me, and keep me in a good mood. So, I keep all of them laying around.

Everyone has their own good vibe items: maybe it’s your playstation, or your favorite blanket, or your well loved mug. Whatever it is, it’s important. 

I’m not big on inanimate objects being so important, the people I’m with and the experiences are. Hell, I’ve sold everything I owned just to travel Europe for four months. BUT positive vibes are positive vibes, and when I can diffuse my favorite essential oil, curl up in a fluffy blanket, and read a good book…all is well in the world.

Comment with your good vibe items, I would love to hear what you find energizing! ❤

Crying Alone.

Tonight, I sit in my bed, crying. Alone.

Every once in awhile I’m thrown a curve ball, like tonight. And I’m reminded that even strong women are allowed to cry. Plus, I’m getting ready to start my period and we ALL know I’m extra emotional and sensitive right now.

I’ve been “talking” to this guy here in California for a few weeks, we have a lot in common and we really hit it off. I could tell pretty early that he started catching feelings, but I let him know I’m trying to move back to Missouri soon so proceed with caution. Of course, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I thought if we were both on the same page, we could have a fun little fling and not bring up the feelings talk.

Why he felt it was necessary two days before me leaving? I’m not sure. ESPECIALLY when he calls me out on having feelings then denies he has any himself.

But I’m not crying because of that. Sure, it was a punch in the stomach, but I’m so broken, a guy not having the guts to tell me he has feelings for me isn’t what hurts.

What hurts is everything that lead up to this.

The last year has been a whirlwind to crush my heart. At what point does this beating it’s getting stop? At what point will my heart give up?

I’m reminded on nights like tonight, it’s okay to cry. I’m reminded why it can be so hard to be a strong women, because I refuse to cry on anyone else’s shoulder. It’s that text to my best friend: “It’s not your fault, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. I always am”.

I’m always fine.

But I’m tired of being “fine”.

I want to feel amazing.

Why does it feel like I have to give up men to feel that? Aren’t we a species in which a partner is what we crave? So why are they the ones that make me feel this way?

Maybe I haven’t met the right one. But will I? Because at this point, I’m terrified to try. Even if I don’t go out of my way to meet a man, will I know when one falls into my lap? Because I’m giving up. This is me giving up on dating, on sex, on men. This is me saving my heart, and avoiding feelings.

I know I’m going about this all the wrong way, but at this point, what else am I supposed to do? Give out the last few pieces of my heart to men who have no intentions of keeping them?

My heart is broken. Not from this one guy. Not from the one before him. It’s broken from the many men who crave my heart to rip it out. Who want to take a piece as a trophy when they leave. And I’m tired of giving anyone that piece to take.

So here’s to being single, because it will take a miracle for any man to change that at this point.

 

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